If I thought a lot of blood tests and ultrasounds were needed when I was on Clomid, an IUI demands more than I imagined. Although as time passes, I am slowly getting more and more okay with the new demands. I am feeling able to cope with whatever the clinic asks of me. I have finally got the reality in my head that if I want a baby, I have to do whatever it takes to heal and get pregnant.
We get to the clinic and Chris goes into a room alone to give his sperm sample while I read magazines in the waiting room. I thinking how separate my husband and I are at this time, when normally we would be together.
About a half hour later, I am escorted into a room for the IUI. I know that normally husbands are present during this procedure, but I asked that Chris not to be there during this time.
Sometimes during this process, I get angry at Chris for no reason at all, because it is easy to want to blame someone and put my anger on a target, and most often, my husband is my favorite target.
Sometimes, I find I all too easily to pin my stress, fear and anger on him—it is your fault, his fault, not my fault, and so during this procedure, I want to be clear of these negative emotions. With strangers, I will not get so emotional, won’t give in to the anger so easily, will force myself to stay a bit more positive.
I am so nervous. A technician named Carol is there with a nurse named Melissa. They insert a speculum and screw it in tight. I am not accustomed to this. It hurts and makes me feel trapped. Carol sees my fear and asks if I want to hold her hand. I do and it does help. Carol talks to me. She asks me questions to distract me and somehow I get through it.
The nurse removes the speculum, and tries a smaller speculum so it won’t hurt me so badly. I so appreciate her gentle and extra effort.
Knowing that now my cycles will be timed by the clinic and I will be doing IUI’s exactly when my body is ready and fertile is a huge relief. Pregnancy shouldn’t be too far behind.
I return tomorrow for one more IUI. It won’t be long now…