You are going to hear the word no sometimes. That is a reality infertility patients need to understand from the very beginning of this journey. Get ready for them and accept it.
If you know the punch is coming, it will still hurt, but maybe not as much as it would if it came unexpectedly and surprised you.
If at times you hear the word, ‘no’ such as ‘no, you are not pregnant’ consider the no’s nothing more than a missed shot that is a part of this game—a ball that didn’t make the hoop this time around and prepare to shoot again.
Prepare to hear many no’s on the way to yes. You prepare, not because you are pessimistic or dismal, but so if a ‘no’ does come your way, it will not knock you down and break your heart so badly that you refuse to try again.
A ‘no’ should not surprise you, or trip you up, to the point that getting back up to try again feels impossible.
Disappointment and failure is an inherent part of this process. If you expect that disappointment is part of this game, you won’t be shocked when something doesn’t work out or the nurse calls with a no.
You just have to realize that the disappointments don’t mean you are not going to someday arrive at your destination. It does mean, however, that you will need stamina and perseverance to stay in the infertility game.
But remember: one win in this game means a lifetime World Series status. In this tournament, you don’t need ten wins to be a big winner–you need only one.
You absolutely can’t let a temporary loss that comes in the form of a “no” make you so sad that you stop trying.
There will be disappointments during your infertility journey that can make you so sad that they will threaten your ability to get up and try again. The grief and disappointment that can occur during infertility treatments is a threat to a women’s ability to plow through the hard times. A person can feel so defeated by a cycle gone wrong that they choose to stop the game altogether and give up the fight. Prepare internally for those hard times, so if and when they do come, you are not knocked out of the game and can re-enter strong and ready to do whatever it takes to improve your chances of giving birth.
While you have every right to want to lock yourself in the house because your neighbor is suddenly pregnant with her fifth child and she chose you to complain to, you do not have the luxury of licking your wounds for too long. You need to be ready to get over it quickly and move on to the next cycle, the next medication, the next clinic, the next acupuncture appointment, the next whatever that is going to move you closer to giving birth to your baby.
You may be one of the lucky ones, and with a bit of medical intervention, wham, you’re pregnant. It happens to some women this way. You could very well be one of them. I wish this for you–you certainly deserve it. But if not, it doesn’t mean you are not going to get pregnant and have the babies of your dreams. It simply means that you must prepare not to get defeated by the nos.
When you try everything one month, and the nurse calls to say, “no,
I’m-sorry- you are not pregnant” you have every right to despair, but then if you want to win and see your dream come true, you must muster your strength, schedule your appointments for the next cycle and try again.
When some cynical doctor tells you he or she doesn’t think you can ever get pregnant, you ignore him or her, and get a new doctor who is willing to try a new medication or a new procedure and you try again. You don’t get stuck on the negative words of anyone, even authority figures you may have great respect for.
You might hear lots of discouraging talk, read lots of bad statistics, hear lots of no’s. You may have despairing moments–it is all part of this process. It is the person who perseveres through these rough times–who keeps making good choices and keeps trying new avenues–who has the best chance of reaching their goal despite the hurdles in the way.
I have a dear friend who underwent four IVFS before she got pregnant and gave birth to her beautiful son. One look at this boy, and you know he was worth it. Just keep in mind, however, what she went through: four IVFS, a few miscarriages, one ovary that wasn’t working, and lots of people who said things like, “you did three IVFS. They didn’t work. You only have one working ovary. Don’t you think it is time to give up.”
To continue, you have to accept as part of the process the defeats. The no’s cannot be allowed to hold you hostage or push you permanently down into a hole of despair—even when it is your right to feel despair.
Remember: one no, 10 no’s, 20 no’s, do not have to mean defeat.
It only takes one yes in this game, amidst all the nos, to get you what you most want.
You, my strong mother warrior, are a fighter in the ring–you can take some brutal punches and even flat-out knock downs, and still come out a winner.
Remember: your chances of winning increase when you refuse to stay down no matter how devastating the punch.
The more you try, the higher the odds are in your favor. Wallowing too long can leave you stuck, and you could miss key chances to get pregnant. So cry. Scream. Wail. Just don’t stay down long. Get up. Try again. Move on. Prepare for the no’s so when they happen, you’ll be ready.