Rocky and Me

My treatment is not progressing the way I would like. It is has been a year since I started infertility treatments, with still no results.

So… I am marching… marching around and around my living room, to the theme song “Rocky.”

I am doing this to psyche myself up to ask my doctor, Dr. P to start doing IUI’s each cycle.

Time is passing and I feel panicky that I need them to do something more to increase my chances of getting pregnant.

A few months ago, I was a lot more relaxed about this—but now I am wondering: why am I not pregnant yet even though I have been taking Clomid for almost four months and my polyp was removed? Why am I still not pregnant?

I am so worried that Dr. P is going to refuse my request.
I’ve heard of people being kept on the same medications, doing the same procedures, for years without result, and I don’t want to fall into that trap. I need an IUI.

Medication alone won’t get me pregnant.

What if he says no? What if he feels it is too soon to move on to another level of treatment?

I play the theme song to ‘Rocky’ almost everyday on the CD player in my living room. I love this song. The beat, the tempo, bring me up to a victorious place, where even a loser like me can win.

I kind of feel like I am Rocky right now.

I put on the CD and I start marching around: trying hard now…trying hard now…I am trying hard now. Its so hard now…The drums beat…the trumphets announce a person is trying harder than they ever dreamed they could….

Give me a chance, Dr. P. Please give me a chance.

Getting strong now…Moving on now…Getting strong now…and the music starts to sound hopeful..like this man/me can climb this mountain, scale the wall, hit this victory…

I listen to the song over and over again. I march around my living room, picturing my ovaries turning, a baby sliding out, Dr. P saying yes to my request.

I listen and I march around the living room, my own homemade motivation clinic.

I have to be strong…strong enough to ask…to demand…to push…The
medicine is not enough…I need more assistance…

Will my insurance cover an IUI?

What if Dr. P thinks I don’t need to do this?

What if he says no?

Trying hard now…

Then what…what are my chances then?

Getting strong now…getting strong now…

I feel like such a loser right now, a faceless,
anonymous zero, and he is the almighty and powerful doctor who has the power to decide my future.

Come on try

I need an IUI…and he needs to okay it.

I march some more, around my couch, my coffee table, up and down the living room, around the table one more time.

It is raining out. I feel ridiculous, but something inside me is changing. I’m pumped! The music moves me. It gives me hope, makes me imagine that like Rocky, a big zero like me can somehow end up a winner.

Getting strong now

I imagine my baby. I see my ovaries turning and babies coming out.

I march.

I let the beat of victory pulsate through my tired sad, body.

My baby, my baby, my baby…I am a warrior setting out to battle and the music beats strong….

Come on try now…

The music is my coach.

Will I take the right turn in the road? Will I say the right words, act the right way, have the right insurance, to make Dr. P do this?

I march for strength. I march because I need to be stronger than the doctor. I march for power because I have to make him listen to me.

Flying high now

I listen over and over again to this song, knowing that it is up to me to start directing the course of my treatments.

If he says no, I have to fight for my rights.

If he says no, I have to convince him. Stomp, demand, shout if I have to.

I’ve sat passively by for too long and it is getting me nowhere.

I need an IUI: I know it, can feel it. I need advanced help.

What I am doing now is leading me nowhere.

I need them to time my cycles, do everything to up my chances. I need help.

The music plays on and I am reminded that Rocky wins.

The music plays on and I don’t know the outcome for me.

A baby, a baby, a baby….

This is my training ground. I am gearing up for a hefty battle. I am beat up, bloodied, and not a reigning champ by any means.

Around and around my living room I go, marching, walking, imagining myself victorious–ha!

I pump myself up, imagine Dr. P saying yes and me getting what I want.

I picture my ovaries churning around and around, like the wheels in an old mill, and babies coming out.

I march some more.

My baby….There is a point in the song where the music gains momentum.. where you can actually feel the hero rising to the occasion, stepping towards the exact moment where victory and defeat split in a fork in the road, and somehow the right road is taken leading to victory.

Will I take the right turn in the road?

I see my ovaries turning, churning, children jumping out of them. I see children..holding hands with one another…

Come on fly now…flying high now…Come on, fly…Fly…Fly….


Dancing To Fertility Book

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