Today is my first day of writing a journal on my road to victory over infertility. I am writing this book for women like me who have been told that their eggs are too old, that their bodies are too old, weak, or damaged, that there is little hope. I am writing this book for women who feel that having a child is some type of impossible dream, that they are the victim of some pathologically cruel biological problem.
I am writing this book for women who, like me, dream of starting a family, but find the road long, cruel, uphill, and not always forgiving of slight mistakes and accumulated years.
I am 37 years old. Last week, a doctor that seemed very kind when I first met her told me that my eggs were the ‘bottom of the barrel.’ I have been seething with pain and engulfed in sadness ever since.
‘Bottom of the barrel’ the very image leaves me feeling hopeless. I cannot yell at her. I cannot criticize her. For if I do, the clinic may label me
‘psychologically unfit’ to undergo further infertility treatments. So I stay quiet. I watch my words. I must adhere to and accept as normal their warped and perverse idea that pulling hope away is truly in the best interest of the patient, when with all my heart I know that it is only hope and faith that will ultimately give me the baby I so desperately want. What kind of monsters are they? I so want to walk into that clinic, tell that monster doctor disguised as a kind, caring medical professional off, and never step foot in there again. But then what? I have no choice but to bite my tongue, and wait until it is my turn to walk in there with a beautiful baby and say, “hello, do you want to see what bottom of the barrel looks like?’ That is when my victory will be complete.
For now, I wait and suffer and try to erase their hopeless images from my head.
In this book, I will recount my experience with infertility.
I will tell you now that this book will end with my successfully creating the family I dream of. I say this with confidence, for I believe God created us with a body that can heal and thrive and grow past illness, and that doctors do not understand the miracle of faith and the miracle of hope.
And for that doctor who tried to destroy my hope, I dedicate this book to you and anyone else who believes in stomping on a women’s hope.
I don’t always believe in being realistic—in putting my faith in only what I can see. Sometimes holding on to a dream takes being strong enough to push aside the skeptics, the cynics, the naysayers and delving into the world of hope–a world that takes a lot of strength to hold on to when everything around you is crumbling.
I begin this day by swimming. I am trying to get as healthy as possible. In the world of infertility, at 36, I am labeled old, but I don’t feel old. Well, yes, maybe I do feel old. Withered inside at times. I just went through a harrowing IVF that ended with my becoming pregnant, only to lose the baby within two weeks of conception.
Cruel. That is how I feel right now about the past two weeks: cruel. They dubbed this pregnancy a chemical pregnancy, relegating it to something that almost didn’t happen, didn’t really happen, never existed. Thus was taken my right to feel sad or mourn, as it wasn’t a pregnancy and it wasn’t a miscarriage, but it was in a way, or is it? Nothing…dismiss it…mourning stamped invalid.
Most of all, I dedicate this book to God, who is the
strength of my life. Without the privilege of prayer, I could not endure the hell of infertility. When the load was too heavy, it was only through prayer to God that I kept one foot in front of the other and kept trying.
So together, I begin this journey with you, a fellow infertility victim and
survivor. I pray that we all see victory, in whatever form we wish it to come. For those of you wanting a child, I pray for your victory. For those of you who have come to the point that adoption is a joyful option, I pray for you. I pray that we all can have the families we want and deserve, for family is a blessing and a gift, and all women deserve to receive this treasure of security, companionship, love and purpose.