First IUI

If I thought a lot of blood tests and ultrasounds were needed when I was on Clomid, an IUI demands more than I imagined. Although as time passes, I am slowly getting more and more okay with the new demands. I am feeling able to cope with whatever the clinic asks of me. I have finally got the reality in my head that if I want a baby, I have to do whatever it takes to heal and get pregnant.

We get to the clinic and Chris goes into a room alone to give his sperm sample while I read magazines in the waiting room. I thinking how separate my husband and I are at this time, when normally we would be together.

About a half hour later, I am escorted into a room for the IUI. I know that normally husbands are present during this procedure, but I asked that Chris not to be there during this time.
Sometimes during this process, I get angry at Chris for no reason at all, because it is easy to want to blame someone and put my anger on a target, and most often, my husband is my favorite target.

Sometimes, I find I all too easily to pin my stress, fear and anger on him—it is your fault, his fault, not my fault, and so during this procedure, I want to be clear of these negative emotions. With strangers, I will not get so emotional, won’t give in to the anger so easily, will force myself to stay a bit more positive.

I am so nervous. A technician named Carol is there with a nurse named Melissa. They insert a speculum and screw it in tight. I am not accustomed to this. It hurts and makes me feel trapped. Carol sees my fear and asks if I want to hold her hand. I do and it does help. Carol talks to me. She asks me questions to distract me and somehow I get through it.

The nurse removes the speculum, and tries a smaller speculum so it won’t hurt me so badly. I so appreciate her gentle and extra effort.

Knowing that now my cycles will be timed by the clinic and I will be doing IUI’s exactly when my body is ready and fertile is a huge relief. Pregnancy shouldn’t be too far behind.

I return tomorrow for one more IUI. It won’t be long now…


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A Meeting with Dr. P

Chris and I enter Dr. P’s office prepared for battle. I have typed out all my reasons for wanting an IUI. I speak very slowly and seriously, anticipating denial and objection. It takes oh, about three minutes, for Dr. P. to say yes, of course, moving on to IUI’s is fine. He shakes our hands, thanks us, instructs me to call on Day One of my next cycle, and in five minutes, we are done.

We both leave feeling relieved. We actually laugh a bit, feeling slightly silly that we expected such objection from him. Obviously, asking for an IUI is no big deal. He instructs me to continue to take Clomid and call on day one of my next cycle.


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Prepare To Connect To Your Body

Stop hating your curves, dreading your ‘time of the month’ and disliking the shape and size of your breasts. No, they are NOT too big/too small/ too whatever. They are just perfect.

Stop hating the smells that come from your vagina or underarms.

Stop. Just stop.

Its time to start embracing your womanly, feminine body.

This includes your menstrual cycle, your pubic hair, your shapely (or not so shapely) backside.

Start honoring your period. No bad mouthing it, please. It is part of the birth cycle. Stop denying it and suppressing it. Love it and appreciate it.

Your body, in all its amazing womanliness, is trying to do its best for you. Say thank you to it. Give it a big hug. Show some gratitude.

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Prepare To Be Self-Disciplined

Infertility treatments require a lot of self-discipline.

It takes self-discipline not to delve into a box of donuts when you are stressed.

It takes self-discipline to get to the clinic for blood work and ultrasound at 6 a.m.

It takes self-discipline to go to bed early.

It takes self-discipline to keep going to a myofascial release expert or a chiropractor week after week.

It takes self-discipline to remember to buy some walnuts and pumpkin seeds, put them in snack bags and bring them to work to eat during break, instead of grabbing something fast from the vending machine. It takes self-discipline to walk each morning to relieve stress.

Self-discipline means following through on what you start. Self-discipline means getting to your appointments on time. Self-discipline means continuing with treatments and foods that can heal you—even when they are inconvenient and boring. Being self-disciplined will help you stay consistent. It will help you say no when you want to say yes. Or say yes when you wish you could say no.


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Prepare As If You Were A Professional Runner Training For A Race

While going through infertility, consider yourself a runner training for a race. Professional runners are aware that there are many obstacles that can come up during a race and they prepare ahead of time for them.

Successful runners develop the trait of resilience, which gives them the power to bounce back from setbacks. They acknowledge the setback, but quickly move past it so they can focus on the goal ahead.

They know the importance of developing mental toughness and strength so they can continue running, regardless of the conditions, distractions, and emotions they experience during a race.

A successful runner develops the ability to keep moving forward towards their goal, even when there are no immediate signs of winning or even being closer to the finish line. They develop an inner voice that says, ‘I can do this. I have the resources inside of me to succeed.’ They keep running towards their goal, even when the finish line seems impossible to reach. Some runners write positive sayings on their arms or water bottles so they have a motivational thought to carry them through. Some runners keep themselves going by visualizing how it will feel to get to the finish line and win the race.

While going through your infertility treatments, you plan ahead and prepare a strategy to follow even during the rough times. You develop a mental toughness, so you can bounce back from disappointment, whether or not anyone is cheering you on or believes you can win. You follow your plan of action, even when your goal seems elusive or faraway. You keep listening to that positive inner voice that says: ‘yes, you can get pregnant’ even when the finish line is nowhere in sight.


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Prepare to Change the Way You Care for your Body

Healing from infertility requires taking care of your body in a new way that you may have never done before. You may need to entirely change the way you eat, cook and experience food in your life. You may have to change your sleep schedule, exercise routines, and how you use food to cope with emotions and during times of fun and celebration.

You may have to pay closer attention to what you put on your skin, and around your body and in your environment, which can then enter your body. You may have to spend a lot more time preparing foods then you did in the past.

The upside is, not only will you be taking steps to heal your infertility, but you most likely will also start feeling healthier in every other way too.


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Prepare to receive

Becoming pregnant is, in part, an act of receiving. Being open to conceiving a baby is the act of receiving a precious gift—a gift you very much deserve.

So starting now, get yourself in the habit of receiving.
Make receiving something you feel very comfortable with. Buy yourself small gifts every week, so that receiving becomes something you get used to.

Write down all the good things you’ve received in your life, things you willingly allowed yourself to receive, things that came to you just because you are a human and good things can sometimes flow to us if we allow ourselves to receive it.
Think of all the things you easily and freely receive in your life, such as air, gravity, sunshine, and a womb where your child can grow.

Wrap small presents and give them to yourself as a reminder that you, as a human being on this earth, have a right to receive good things.

Remember: you don’t need to be perfect to receive good things.

You can be flawed, imperfect, and still be worthy of receiving good things.

Sometimes you will receive good things just because.

Sometimes you will receive good things because you worked hard for them.

Sit outside and allow yourself to receive the warmth of the sun. Sit under a tree and let yourself receive its cooling shade. Sit by the ocean and let yourself receive the calming sound of the waves.

Each week, take note of all the wonderful things you received that week–from a text that brightened your day, to a hug or kiss, to a good night’s sleep, to a glimpse of something unexpected that just made you happy.

Let the emotion and experience of receiving begin to feel natural to


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